Most people reading this title would probably think “what the hell kind of question is that, obviously couples should sleep together, it’s what you do!” I’m not going to try to convince you otherwise, but just give me a minute to explain why I wrote this post.
WHY do you think this is normal?
When did you first hear that couples should sleep together? Perhaps you saw your parents sharing a room, or you heard your teachers talking about family norms, or you saw it in pretty much any TV series or movie that involves couples!
But if you didn’t hear it from others, would you still think the same?
Growing up, I kept hearing my mum saying that she didn’t like sharing a room with my dad or her future partners after that, that she saw it as unnatural and uncomfortable. But even though I had that as an example, I still thought she was weird and that I could never do that. Because it’s just “not what you do”.
But then I thought back to the Kings and Queens…
Royalty always had separate quarters for the King and for the Queen. I never gave it much thought until I began looking into this subject, but then I came across a bunch of articles that made things fall into place…
…we began sharing rooms to save space and money! *queue dramatic realisation music here*
Somewhere along our historical timeline, we began crowding the cities… houses became smaller, space was limited, and so was money for some people. Couples began sharing beds permanently until it became a habit and finally, the norm.
We need time to be in our own energetic bubble
Have you ever noticed how you begin to “lose” yourself a little when you spend a lot of time with your significant other? Those who are sensitive to energies can actually feel themselves “blending” together and they no longer know who they are.
When you think of humans as spiritual beings, we each have an energetic “bubble” around us, which has a certain diameter around the body. So when people say that they live in their own bubble, it can actually be literally true. It’s important to create the time to be in our own energetic bubble, because when our energetic bodies touch those of others, we inevitably get influenced by their emotions and feelings.
I personally can get overwhelmed by being around people too much and then just need to retreat into my own space. I’m a very social person, but I also respect this feeling when it comes up and I know I need time to be alone too.
Keep the mystery
There’s nothing more romantic than cuddling in bed with your beloved, falling asleep in their arms and waking up with them spooning you and whispering “good morning darling” into your ear.
There’s also nothing less romantic than sweating in bed from touching another human being, midnight farting and morning breath.
Especially if you’ve been a digital nomad for a while, travelling around hot and humid Asian countries…*shudders at the sweat puddles*
When you sleep in different rooms, whether all the time or every now and then, you keep a little bit of mystery in the relationship. Sure it’s wonderful to accept every part of your beloved, but wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to walk in on them trimming their toe nails on your pillow?
So, what are the benefits of sleeping apart?
Maybe you’d like to try this for one night a month, once a week or even every day – whatever you choose, just remember that there is no right or wrong. No one will judge your decision but you, and no one really needs to know about your private life if you choose not to share it with others.
Here are a few things you may get out of this arrangement:
- You will get better sleep and wake up less tired as you won’t be worried about moving in your sleep and disturbing the other (we often do this unconsciously).
- If your partner snores, then you’ll finally get the sleep you deserve.
- You won’t have to worry about your natural grossness whilst you sleep (sweating, farting, drooling etc).
- You’ll have the space to be yourself, to feel your own energy and not be influenced in any way by your partner. We all deserve and need this space, it’s not selfish in any way.
- You can just let go and not worry about how you look or what you’re doing. I don’t mean that from an egotistical point of view, but just in a natural human way. No matter how open we are with our beloveds, we always feel a little reserved around others, no matter who they are.
- You will keep the mystery alive, which may lead to a better sex life and a more romantic relationship.
- Sometimes we get angry at our lovers just because we see them all the damn time! This will give you the space you need. But I’m not talking about sleeping apart if you just had a fight, that’s not the point of this, I definitely don’t agree with going to bed angry at each other.
- It makes you feel more free, emotionally, physically and mentally. No one is forcing you to stay in one place, maybe one day you choose to sleep in your room, the next day in theirs, but you’re both free to choose that.
- You have the whole bed to yourself! What’s better than that?!
- Maybe something else, who knows? A few of these points may seem superficial as it’s intended for all audiences. Personally, for me, it was a much deeper realisation that is slightly harder to put into words, a feeling of openness, closenness, understanding…
But of course, as you may know from my previous blogs, I really don’t believe in extremes of anything. I’m a firm believer of balance and freedom of choice. Flexibility. There are some AMAZING benefits from couples sleeping together, personally, I absolutely adore it and do so 99% of the time. I’m only writing this to bring awareness to something that most people don’t dare to talk about. I just wanted to say that it’s ok to not have to do something ALL the time just because of social conditioning.
How can you tell your partner that you want to sleep in different rooms?
No two scenarios will be the same. With one of my last boyfriends it took some time, but after a while he began to see the benefits too and we would spend at least a few nights a month sleeping in different rooms. When he got used to it, he totally loved it!!
With another ex, he was a tantric so he didn’t need convincing at all. In fact, the first day he slept over at my house, he left in the middle of the night to sleep in my spare bedroom. I must admit I was a little surprised, but he didn’t even see it as something abnormal. I then began to appreciate how comfortable he is around me if he’s willing to do that instead of pretending to want to do something just to make me happy. This is the kind of authenticity that relationships should be built on, in my opinion. You can choose to be offended, or you can see it as a beautiful gift.
The best way to approach this subject, in my opinion, is to ease into the conversation slowly. Drop a little comment that would get then thinking in that direction, like the King and Queen thing, for example, just mention it passively as you’re talking about history.
See how they react to it and if it feels appropriate, ask how they would feel if you did that? You can also give examples of your friends who live this way and how they’ve seen a great improvement in their relationship because of it. Make sure to talk about this in an environment where they are comfortable and don’t feel threatened.
Now be prepared that they may get defensive anyway, not everyone will react to this lightly. They may take it as a sign that you don’t love them, so you need to reassure them that it’s the other way round. You love them so much that you’re vulnerable enough to ask for what you think would make your relationship even more stable and deep.
No one is saying that you have to sleep in separate rooms every day for the rest of your life. Just give it a try, one day a month and see how it feels. Reassure your partner with that. If you find that you don’t like it, then go back to how you were. There’s no right or wrong.
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Hi Anya, fun to read. My love and I have been sleeping in our own rooms for a couple of years and we both love it. I feel so much better after I get to rest and reboot in my own energy. Plus, it’s much easier to feel when I really want company. When we started out, I slept a lot, like I was catching up. And it got to me how much of my energy got lost in sleeping together. I’m a light sleeper and sensitive to other’s vibe. For me, there’s no going back!
Hi Laura, thank you so much for sharing your story! It’s great to see that you’ve both found something that works for you 🙂