Has your partner ever hit you?
Has he* ever tried to control your whereabouts?
Has he tried to physically or psychologically manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do, or believe something you’re not?
Maybe he’s even gone further?
This year I spoke to two close friends of mine who are in abusive relationships even though they believe they are not.
I never give my opinion to people as I believe everyone should make their own conclusions in life and if asked for advice I will usually weigh up several options and let them choose for themselves. Apart from the subject of domestic violence. This is too close to heart. I cannot stand by and see people I care about waste their lives when they deserve so much better.
“But maybe this is my karma, I’m supposed to serve him in this lifetime”
This is what one of my friends told me. Many people, when they lead a spiritual path, believe that they need to accept everything and believe that if something comes to them that it’s for a reason.
I believe that too, but you can take that belief to an extreme. And accepting abuse from someone is taking it to an extreme. I’ve heard so many great speakers talk about this, Matt Kahn, for example, who is all about “accepting everything as it comes”, ALWAYS makes a point to stop and stress that violence should NEVER be tolerated from anyone.
When I stepped onto the path of tantra, for the first time in my life, men began treating me like a Goddess. And I don’t mean it in an egotistical worshipping kind of way, but in a beautiful, loving, sensual way. Don’t get me wrong, I thought my previous relationships were pretty great, but I saw tendencies in them that frequently made me the victim, which was not healthy for either of us.
Tantra has opened my eyes to how life and relationships really should be – based on love, honestly, friendship, supporting and motivating each other, helping each other grow, and allowing one another to be completely free, to be completely themselves.
“I want to stay together for our child – we’re a family”
Would you like to hear the voice of your child 20 years from now? This is it. I am that voice. I was a child of an abusive marriage 20 years ago. If I could go back in time, first thing I would tell my mum would be to leave my father as soon as possible.
You may think your child is better off having any kind of family instead of no family…let me tell you something from experience…your child has NOTHING to benefit from a dysfunctional family, but has many things to lose.
Do you really want your son or daughter growing up thinking it’s normal to abuse and belittle their partner? Your son may grow up just like his dad, even if he doesn’t remember what happened consciously, and your daughter may look for dominant partners and feel she needs to be humiliated to be loved.
Is that the future you want for your kids? They subconsciously soak up everything that happens around them, especially at a young age, and it comes out in unexpected ways further on in life. Even though we left my father when I was 7, and I was consciously against violence, I still subconsciously ended up with dominant partners. Thankfully the moment one began to threaten me and hit me with a pillow, I ended it that same month. I learnt the lesson quickly.
“I still have something to learn from them”
We all have something to learn from everyone that comes into our lives. Domestic violence makes you stronger, independent and more confident. Or it can destroy you. It’s up to you which one you choose and how quickly you want it to stretch out.
There comes a point when there’s nothing else to learn and you’re just dragging the cat by its tail because you think it’s normal or don’t know how good life can and should be. A dead, smelly, rotting cat. At some point, you need to decide that you’ve had enough, that you’ve learnt everything you need from this person and move on. Let go of the bloody rotting cat!
“I’m afraid of being alone / I can’t sustain myself financially”
I think we could all relate to this one at some point in our lives. We think that we can’t leave our partner because we won’t find someone else, or because they support us financially. Let me tell you something, there’s DEFINITELY a better life for you out there. You may not see it now, but if you just have a little faith, life may surprise you in the most wonderful ways.
The universe will support you when you step on the right path. It will provide you with caring friends, helpful stories and financial support. You just need to trust. When I told my real estate agents that I was leaving my boyfriend because he began being aggressive, 3 girls stepped right up and offered their place to stay for as long as I needed, even though I had never met them before. And they let us out of the 6 month “unbreakable” apartment rental contract that we both signed.
Don’t you want to be free? You’re the only thing standing in your way. Your ego may defend itself right now and hate me for saying this, thats fine, but I stand by my point, how your life turns out is all up to YOU.
“It’s not that bad”
Sometimes, life with your partner may not seem so bad. You begin thinking, “it’s ok, I’ll just wait a few more months until XYZ, then I’ll leave him” or “maybe he’ll change”. I urge you to start loving yourself more, you really deserve to be happy, so why waste even a month of your precious time on someone who doesn’t treat you right?
Maybe he’s just controlling right now and doesn’t hit you, but he’s shown his aggressive side more than once and you haven’t enjoyed sex with him in months. You think that if he’s not hitting you then it’s ok. Yes, perhaps it is a phase, there is the odd exception, but every situation is different. However if you’ve been like this for years and your life is just miserable, then why are you wasting your time when you can be happy? Do you perhaps subconsciously like being a victim? Remember that psychological abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse, if not even worse.
Like I said, this subject is deeply personal for me, so I apologise for the slightly strong language at times. I just want to get the message out there to as many people as possible that it’s NOT ok to be treated badly. We have every right to live the life we want, happy, healthy and truly loved NOW.
You deserve someone who will leave work early just to spend the afternoon in bed with you. Someone who will drive the whole night just to see you for a few hours. Someone who will play with your entire body for hours, without expecting anything in return. Someone who will trust you and encourage you to have self-confidence, go out with your friends and have a personal life besides your relationship. Someone who will respect you and your body. Someone who will take you on surprise trips and someone who will put little notes around the house, just to see you smile when you find them.
Yes, people like that exist for you. They’re waiting for you if you just have the courage to take that first step out NOW.
*I have used the word “he” in this blog to represent the abusive partner for ease of language, but of course this applies to any gender.